i have a tendency to focus on tomorrow–or more generally, on the future.
my brother, whom i admire deeply, is five years older than i. i remember growing up and thinking how he was always at a ‘better age’ than i was. i wanted to be in high school and have a later bed time and get to go to the movies on a friday night with just friends, just like him.
i remember imagining what it would be like when i was older. in my mind i would be a mature and independent lady, and know what i wanted because i had reached that stage in life. i just knew that when i got to be 18, and then finally reached 21–then, all would be well. because those were, to me, the best of all ages.
well 18 and 21 have come and gone and honestly, neither of them were that terrific. i wasn’t so mature and independent. i was actually just confused and lost, and thinking how i couldn’t wait to be 30 because hopefully i would get myself together by then.
what’s slightly ironic is that i now remember being 10 years old much more fondly than i remember being 21. i miss the times running around in the woods with my brother after school when we were younger, and i would take back all that wishing to be older if i could just enjoy that once again.
see, i’ve come to understand the importance of not living for tomorrow–of not wishing away time. in many ways, my past experiences have been negatively colored by my desire to not be living them, to be further along in life. i didn’t grasp that then, but i’ve seen how it affects me now.
but even though i understand that, i also see how i still do it. i catch myself wanting it to be next year or 10 years from now where maybe i’ll know a little more and be a tad more ‘together.’ or life will be more settled and less stressful, and i finally make time for all the things i want to prioritize in my life.
but rather than just doing those things now, i waste time imagining how easy it would be to do all those things later, at another time, when i’m older and wiser and i’ve got myself together.
but that time never comes, because i’m never as wise and mature as i could be and should be and hopefully will be.
i guess this is just a lesson i have to keep reminding myself: stop living for tomorrow. because if i’m always living for the next day than today’s never that special since i’m never fully experiencing it.
so, hey there today–how you doin?